I guess I was born a good girl, lol. As far as I became aware of my environment I could say I had a pretty good heart and thought only good for my fellow kids. The wrongs that was done to me I condoned because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. I would think about every other person first before me.
I would go for all the religious activitues in church, joined different religious groups, tried to live a moral life but there was always a gaping hole in my heart searching to be filled.
I longed for what I couldn’t explain…how could I search for it?Where do I look for it….but somehow I knew I’d recognise it when I find it.
So I grew up, most times being taken advantage of. I would leave my food, my pencil, my time, my allowance all for other people’s advantage….but I kept searching.
I was nice, so my mother always scared for her little girl and not wanting hurt her to get hurt would always want to ‘’teach’’ me sex education by saying, ‘’If any man touches you, you would get pregnant’’(old generation Naija mums…lol) or would go hysterical when she sees me talking to a boy. I was 13 at the time and I actually started nursing the idea of maybe dating a guy so she’d see the difference between being an innocent girl and a girl that really does the stuffs. However, I had always felt an unseen hand guiding me not to do wrong. ……but my heart still was empty and I kept searching.
At 16 I dambled into things I shouldn’t play with. I read books and lots of magazines not meant for my age; Hints, Ikebe super, Better lovers…destructive to a young girls mind. I thought I would be lost from there but my heart didn’t give up, I was still hungry for what I didn’t understand….i was still searching.
I became tired at 18, I didn’t know what I was searching for, couldn’t understand it, couldn’t seem to find it, I decided to let loose and ‘live’ life. Started experimenting with the kind of dressing I wasn’t comfortable at first wearing. Now it wasn’t about the dressing but my heart. I started loosening up and waiting for every opportunity to launch out my new self but then something happened, I asked a friend for a bible as a Christmas gift. I suddenly had this undaunting urge to own a bible. I had never owned one before then. We didn’t need one in church, the passages to be read were printed out.
I started reading..or rather started consuming. From Sirach to proverbs to Ecclesiastis. From Romans to Ephesians to 1 John, every book I opened seem to sink deep in my heart and answer the questions I had asked for long, raising questions I never thought to ask, making me question the level I was and giving me hope for a future I hadnt seen.I got to a point and I asked sincerely,’’I want to know You more Lord, I need you. You are all I ever wanted, all I could ever ask for, would You lead me?’’
My friend was going to her fellowship after school resumed and I decided to follow her. That night I surrendered when the alter call was made. (Now before allthese a young man had been preaching to me and had gotten me to give my life to Christ but I didn’t understand him cause to me I was trying to be close to God..afterall I was regular to church. His name is Don Azubike-Onyegbu)
I found it finally!!! My heart found Him! Its been Him all along. Its been God I have been searching for. I felt so loved that all my low esteem from being battered and molested as a child left me completely (how much training would have been enough for this). All that mattered now is that Jehova is my Father and He loves me no matter what. He hears me when I call on Him, He listens to my every heart cry. He never condemns me but corrects me lovingly. I could feel the dept of His love. I could feel His gentleness and humility. I knew He may not like it when I fall but there was no iota of condemnation. His every desire is to see me become strong. For the first time since I could remember, I felt truly loved. He became my best friend. Now it doesn’t matter if I was a good girl, all that mattered was that I found the one who loves me enough to be willing to take me through this journey of being like Christ…no matter how many times I fell on the way.
Its been Its been 12 years since then and I have never looked back. I havent been perfect but that’s what all these is all about. He keeps teaching me, grooming me and loving me. Every day I have become better loving God. I have everything because I have only Him.
I still search but I'm no longer confused about what I search for, I only long to know more of Him.
#mytestimony #mybestFriend #salvation #Godslove